I was a few months into a new job... in my late 20's and ON FIRE! The up early, up late, driven and brilliantly creative with massive purpose kind of on fire. I was one of the lead facilitators in a regenerative design and nature connection start up, solving problems and taking on challenges for breakfast.

I was in my lane, mentoring, coaching, leading... it felt really, really good.

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You know the feeling where even though the work is hard --and requires long hours and endless pivoting and a constant need to find solutions-- you just can't get enough, you can't stop smiling and feeling alive. That was 20-something Ruby -smiling large, laughing large, living full out- all day, every day.

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One early morning, I had made coffee per usual for the director of the start up, a visionary I admired and a friend. It was a daily routine; sit by the fire, share any updates, work out the plan for the day, the week, the world. On this particular day, it was just the two of us and he quietly reflected that I might tone it down... for instance, I could walk softer. No big deal. Just a word in passing.

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It might seem innocuous... tone it down... literally, walk softer. More like a deer. I didn't know what to say. I was still very much a person looking for love and approval to validate my worth. This felt like a massive blow, a sucker punch. Suddenly not only was I not good enough... I was too much.

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But I didn't know how to be less... I didn't want to be less, but I wanted connection and approval and TBH I wanted my "boss" to be proud of me. How could feeling so alive and so on purpose be too much?

Another co-worker walked in and I mumbled about needing to do something and left the room, feeling every awkward step like my feet were stones... walk quietly? Tone what down?

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Let’s talk too much…

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Too much for who?

Too much for the ex who didn’t respect you anyway?

Too much for the teacher who was trying to corral 36 students and coerce them into line?

Too much for your friends who actually talk behind your back?

Too much for your parents when you didn’t fit into the special boxes they wanted you to?

Too much for who?

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Too much for yourself because even though you have big dreams and goals it feels safer to play small?

Do you know who else was too much? ...Beyoncé!

Lizzo!

Tarana Burke!

Whitney Houston!

Margaret Sanger!

Dolly Parton!

Frida Kahlo!

Marie Curie!

(Just to name a FEW!)
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Holy crap what if they toned it down? What if Beyoncé, Lizzo or Marie Curie quit when someone told them they were too much? What if they believed them? What if they decided that was true, they were too much... and they shrunk and lived a life of less?

Where would we be? Ellen DeGeneres? Tarana Burke? Oprah? Maya Angelou? These too- much women have shaped history, improved our lives, given us music, art, poetry, support, SOLUTIONS…

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They've showed us what's possible when we embrace our too-much selves.

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Our world is a better place because of them.

Because they chose to take up space.

Because even when it was hard they went for it. They put on blinders when the heat came for them. They cried, broke down and still they kept going.

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And you know what, eventually, they found their people the ones who thought their too much was actually just right. And those people number in the millions. Millions, maybe even billions.

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Flash back to my 27 year old self... I spent a lot of time thinking, replaying, worrying and feeling really shitty about myself before going to a close friend who I knew could hear me and help me sort through the mess. After a good cry and long sit next to my favorite creek, I realized I had some real things to look at, own and release.

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Later that week, I had a talk with the director... I expressed what didn't feel good, what I got from it and what didn't make sense. In a small way I owned my worth and I advocated for my too-much-ness... we had a heart to heart. There was an apology and understanding. I even asked for a raise (and got it). Because even though I really wanted to be liked, I would rather leave than tone me down.

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One last piece about too much… I’m going to challenge a POPULAR meme “if you’re too much for someone, tell them to go find less.”

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What if instead, we tell them (metaphorically or literally)... thank you.

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Why?! Because being reactive rarely helps, it also pulls you out of connection to your self, your own alignment. It’s the kind of statement guaranteed to put someone (and you) on the defensive.

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That job I had went on to become a massive force for good in my life and in the lives of hundreds of others. I grew in ways I couldn't have known. Instead of shutting down, I got curious... there were ways I was being that weren't in alignment with who I was becoming, with the legacy I wanted to create. I could be defensive and reactive when questioned or when feedback was necessary. That passionate side of me also meant if you "got on my bad side" it was going to be worse for you...

The introspection and the talk helped me figure out what parts of my too much were actually my gift and what parts could use some healing.

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If the talk had went differently, I was prepared to leave... literally that day. Being asked to tone it down gave me a lot of clarity. I was super grateful for that clarity. It changed the course of my life.

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When someone lets you know unequivocally that you are too much for them, if they are unwilling to get curious and look at it from a different perspective, the reality isn't that they should go find less, it's that they’ve kindly given you a TON OF CLARITY…

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They are not your people, your person, your “tribe” or your vibe. They are not for you.

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Instead of them finding less, you are now free to go find more.

They can exit stage left or not. Because they are no longer your concern. Don't use your precious energy reacting and defending, use the clarity as momentum to who you are becoming in the world.

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You, you keep doing you, unapologetic yet willing to take a hard look in the mirror. It’s not your job to defend what makes you awesomely you, it’s your job to embrace it, love it (heal what needs it) and grow it! It’s time to give yourself full permission to not tone it down, to stop censoring yourself. Walk loud if you need to walk loud.

It’s time to be all the too-much that is you.

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In our flagship group coaching hybrid program, Life Camp, we help you embrace and capitalize on your all your juicy too-much-ness, on the gifts that make you uniquely you… it’s the place for you to close the gap on who you are and who you are becoming. You have full support to turn the poison of the past into medicine for the future, all within a supportive community, where healing and transformation is not only possible, it’s the most likely outcome. When you are ready to live unapologetic, confident and with massive purpose, we are here for you. Life Camp is now enrolling and we would love to have you on the journey with us.

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Cheers to being too much in a world that thrives off of us being not enough. Being you is an act of rebellion, a love revolution.

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Big hugs,

❤️ Ruby (and Star)